


(you are) the anchor that holds me

by notmytypewriter



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mob, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-12 16:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20567630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notmytypewriter/pseuds/notmytypewriter
Summary: “What about you, Chris? Anylooooooooveconnections?” Charlie hears Jake from across the room, but he doesn’t bother looking up from his paper. He knows the answer, anyway. He’d come home to Boston full of love and hope. He’d quietly asked around, only to find that while Chris was unattached, he seemed set to stay that way forever.Sure enough, Brad pipes up, “Nah, our Mr. Wagner doesn’t go in for the... pleasures of the flesh.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was written as part of a loose shared universe, but I think it stands pretty well on its own?  
the background information you need here is: the Bruins are a gang in 1920s Massachusetts, except for Jake, who is a 21st century EMT who accidentally travelled back in time and ended up joining the group as their resident medic/ray of sunshine
> 
> further notes:  
this is the first fic I've written in _years_ \- the last one was some drarry bs on ff.net. this story just... came out of nowhere and needed me to tell it. hope I did alright.  
title is a lyric from "My Favourite Book" by Stars.  


“What about you, Chris? Any _ loooooooove _ connections?” Charlie hears Jake from across the room, but he doesn’t bother looking up from his paper. He knows the answer, anyway. He’d come home to Boston full of love and hope. He’d quietly asked around, only to find that while Chris was unattached, he seemed set to stay that way forever.

Sure enough, Brad pipes up, “Nah, our Mr. Wagner doesn’t go in for the... pleasures of the flesh.”

“Oh, are you ace?” Jake asks, which, _ what? _ Before Charlie can voice his confusion, though, Brad chimes in again.

“Are you kidding? He’s _ terrible _ at cards, you know that. He just don’t fuck!” Jake dissolves into laughter, but eventually collects himself.

“No, ace is short for asexual. It means someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Is that you, Chris?” 

“Um, yeah, I guess.” Charlie doesn’t need to look up to picture Chris’s awkward little shrug as he continues, “But I still, um, feel…” and trails off. Jake’s shifted into full “explaining the ‘future’” mode now, though, and doesn’t miss a beat.

“You can be ace without being aro, of course! Plenty of ace people feel romantic love. Oh, aro stands for aromantic. But maybe that’s not you? Have you ever fallen in love?”

“Yes, I have,” Chris says, and _ now _ Charlie’s looking, because Chris sounds _ hurt _.

Charlie decides to wait until he can get Chris on his own to ask. Chris tends to be private about personal matters, even with the rest of the crew. Charlie had always thought he was special though, closer than everyone else, but he’s starting to doubt that. Chris is in love, and it’s making him sad, and he’s never breathed a word of it to Charlie. And since this revelation, Chris has become impossible to nail down, always in the middle of something or just leaving every time Charlie thinks they’ll get a moment alone.

Finally, though, Charlie finds a quiet night, gets his hands on a half-decent bottle of wine, and invites Chris to share it with him. And maybe Charlie was just imagining things, letting his own feelings color events, because Chris agrees easily, makes no excuses. The wine leaves them both a little looser, a little happier. Charlie’s heart beats a little faster when Chris gives him the most genuine smile he’s seen in days. 

They shoot the breeze for a while before Charlie leans in, teasing, “I can’t believe you went and fell in love without telling me. Whatever happened to the sacred bonds of childhood friendship?”

Chris shrugs, “I mean, there’s no use thinking about it, really. Not like it could go anywhere.” Seeing the confusion on Charlie’s face, he continues, “I mean, who’d want to be with someone who will never want to go all the way with him?”

_ Me _ , Charlie bites back the urge to say. _ I do, I want to be with you, I love you_. But he knows that won't help. This isn't about him. It's about Chris, and Charlie loving him doesn't mean Chris loves him back. Surely Chris would feel safe telling Charlie he loves him; he has to know that Charlie would never hurt him, even if he didn't feel the same way. Charlie looks at Chris, looking down at the floor. He has to know, doesn't he? Charlie has to tell him.

"Chris," he begins, "you're incredible. Anyone who doesn't see that..." He pauses, at a loss for words. How can he tell Chris how special he is, without giving away just how special he is _ to Charlie_? 

"I mean..." Chris looks up, pauses, takes a breath. "What can I offer someone in a relationship that they don't get out of friendship? Besides a bit of kissing, because I think that's all I'll ever want to do?"

_ You _ , Charlie wants to scream. _ They'd get you, and you're amazing. _ He doesn’t. He doesn’t say, _ I would keep you forever, if you’d let me_. 

“Chris,” he starts, “going with someone isn’t just about… getting a bit.” He pauses, thinks for a moment. “It’s about… being there for each other. Letting each other in. Lifting each other up.”

Chris shrugs, looks down, and quietly says “I guess I’m just not sure I’m worth all that,” before changing the subject. At a loss, Charlie lets him.

If Chris won’t talk about it, Charlie decides, he’ll just have to find out who he’s in love with himself. Then he can figure out how they won Chris’s heart without even trying, and… well. He _ should _ want to help Chris win their heart in return, but a darker part of his mind suggests that _ he _ could win Chris _ away _ from them. Either way, though, he’ll need to know who it is. Fortunately, fate is on his side for once. 

At their weekly meeting, Zee turns to him and says “Charlie, let’s start building a still like that one you worked with out west. Chris, you’re with him. Figure out what you boys need to get started and check in with Matt.” Charlie tries to hide his glee; not only will he get to spend _ so much _ time with Chris, he should also be able to watch Chris with the rest of the crew. He’s pretty sure Chris wouldn’t have fallen in love with an outsider, when would he have had the time? He _ hopes _ Chris hasn’t fallen in love with an outsider - that would make everything a lot harder. 

The first few hours the next morning are absolute bliss. It’s just him and Chris, talking over the design of the still, Charlie just as awed by Chris’s quiet cleverness as he’s always been. He doesn’t think too much of it when Matt comes in for their supply list; at least, he doesn’t at first. 

Then he sees the way Chris’s face lights up when Matt grins and says “Mr. Wagner, sir, how are you this fine day? Zee can’t keep us mayors apart forever, hey?” Chris laughs, and Charlie’s completely at sea. How much of Chris’s life has he missed out on, being away? 

Once Matt’s left with their list, Charlie can’t help asking “what was that about earlier, with the mayors?” 

“Oh,” Chris says, “just a joke that Sean and Danton started a while back. ‘Cause we’re the local boys, y’know? Hometown boys, running the place.” He smiles again, and Charlie starts to wonder. Could Matt be the one Chris is in love with? Chris cares about family, about home. He and Matt both value their connections to Boston, Matt is stable, someone to build a home with. _I’m a local boy too_, Charlie thinks. _I could be that for him._ _But... I left. I’m back to stay, but. Does Chris know that?_ _Does Chris think I’m going to leave again?_

“Charlie?” Chris’s voice jolts him out of his head, and he blinks, refocuses. “You alright? You looked like you were miles away.”

“Oh, um. Just, you know I’m not leaving again, right? I’m staying here,” _ with you _, “staying home.” 

“I had a feeling,” Chris says with a soft smile, “but it’s nice to hear you say it.” And maybe that smile was a bit more special than the one Matt got, after all. Maybe he isn’t such stiff competition. Maybe he’s not even the one Chris is in love with. 

Over the next few days, they start collecting the pieces they need for the still. Most of them are easily found in storage rooms of the warehouses nearby, but a few specialty parts elude them. Chris says he'll mention it to Zee, and the next morning Brandon stops by their workroom. Charlie hasn’t had much occasion to watch Chris and Brandon together, but now that he is, well. They look… cozy. Brandon’s head bent down, Chris gazing up at him. Brandon has a quiet confidence that Chris might find appealing. 

“How far can you get without these parts?” Brandon asks, and Chris glances over to Charlie.

“We’ve probably got another day and a half of work before we’re really stuck,” Charlie ventures, and Chris nods. 

“Alright,” Brandon says, “I’ll talk to Zee, make this a priority. We should be able to get you most of it by tomorrow, midday or so?” 

He heads down the hall, and Chris watches him go with a smile, says "Brandon's really coming into his own, lately."

“You’re real proud of him, huh?” Charlie asks, and Chris smiles.

“Yeah, he’s like a little brother to me,” and _ oh. Oh thank god. _And Charlie starts to think, maybe there really isn't any one member of the crew that Chris treats differently.

He’s still pondering the question of who Chris could be in love with the next day when Zee walks in. 

“Got your parts, and figured I’d drop them by so I could come see the progress myself. Matt tried to explain your plans to me, but he was going off memory and I didn’t really get a sense of how it’ll all fit together.”

And Charlie had just about decided that there was no one in the crew Chris really treated any more special, but. The excitement and pride in his voice as he shows Zee what they’d already built and explains how the new parts will fit in seems just a _ little _ over the top, to Charlie. He pushes down the jealous urge to shove the two of them apart. Zee leaves the room with a smile for both of them, but Charlie’s head is still spinning. _ Zee is… so much. So powerful, so strong, so protective. _ Zee would certainly seem unattainable to Chris, even without Chris’s personal concerns. _ And… _

“Charlie?” Chris interrupts his thoughts, “you alright?”

“Oh, um, yeah, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? I feel like you’re… somewhere else, a bit, these past few days.”

“Yeah, I’m just…” _ picturing you being desperately in love with everyone we know, and it’s killing me_, “thinking a lot, lately.” _ It _ can’t _ be Zee. That’s ridiculous. I give up. _“It’s just… you said you’d fallen in love, and I’m trying to figure out who, and I have no idea. I thought it might be Matt, but maybe not, and Brandon, but you said he’s like a brother, and Zee–”

“Zee?” Chris cuts him off, incredulous. “Why on earth would you think Zee?” 

“I mean, I know it’s a bit silly, but you were so proud and excited to show him the still, like you wanted to impress him a whole lot, and…”

“Charlie. Take a breath. You’re really torn up about this, huh?” Chris pauses, then sighs. “Aw, hell, you’ll never let this rest if I don’t tell you, anyway. It’s you, Charlie, the reason I sounded so proud talking to Zee is because I’m _ proud of you_.”

“It’s me?” Charlie echoes, dumbfounded.

“It’s you, Charlie, it’s _ always _ been you. You’re the one I’m in love with. I didn’t realize how much you meant until you left, and I missed you so much more than just a friend would. I thought I’d gotten over it, but you came home, and it all came rushing back, stronger than before. I’m sorry. I know I can’t be what you’d want…” he trails off, eyes downcast.

If Chris didn’t sound so despondent, Charlie would be shouting with joy. Instead, he steps forward, gently reaches out and takes Chris’s hand.

“Chris, look at me, please.” Chris looks up. “What I want is _ you _, however I can have you. If I can just hold you, and kiss you, and see you smile every day, I’ll be happy. I’ve loved you since we were kids, hell.”

Chris’s voice is soft, tentative, “since we were kids, really?”

“Why do you think I ran off out west so fast? I’d just figured it out, and I was _ terrified_.”

“And now? You’re not terrified now?”

“No,” Charlie says. “I’m excited. The man I love, loves me back.” 

“That’s what _ makes _me terrified, though. I was ready to love you from a distance, but what if we’re together, and I’m not enough? Having you and losing you might tear me apart.” 

“Chris, if all I wanted was a tumble, I could get that easily enough anywhere. If sharing a life with you means giving some things up, it’ll be well worth it.”

Chris is silent for a few moments, and Charlie gives his hand what he hopes is a reassuring squeeze. Finally he grins, and says, “I trust you with my life, guess I can trust you with my heart too, huh?”

“You absolutely can,” Charlie says seriously.

“Then give me a kiss?”

And Charlie does.


	2. coda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote a little coda over on tumblr for the prompt "things you said when you thought I was was asleep," figured I'd add it here too!

Chris is dozing when Charlie slips into their room after a late-night supply run. (And there’s a thought -  _ their _ room. Something he never thought he’d have, even with a group as accepting as the Bruins.) 

Charlie whispers, “you still awake?”

Chris can’t quite rouse himself to anything more than a quiet “mhmmm,” though, and Charlie doesn’t hear.

“Guess not,” Charlie whispers as he climbs into bed. “Guess I’ll say this now, since I know you’d tell me not to worry about it, but. I’m so sorry I left, when we were younger. I was so scared, and I took the coward’s way out. I’m gonna spend the rest of our lives making it up to you, any way I can.” He sighs, adds “anyway, goodnight,” before falling silent.

“Charlie,” Chris says, into the dark. “I won’t tell you not to worry about it, ‘cause I know that won’t stop you. But I’ll tell you you don’t  _ need _ to worry about that, and hopefully one day you’ll believe me. We were both young. Stop beating yourself up over it and go to sleep.”

Charlie rolls closer and wraps an arm around Chris. “Alright, I’ll try. Love you.”

“Love you too. Now, goodnight.”

**Author's Note:**

> my writing tumblr is [@yourenotmytypewriter](https://yourenotmytypewriter.tumblr.com), come say hi!


End file.
